March 4/ 2010
Wednesday
It's not in my hands. I let go. I let go of the control that I have never had to begin with. I let go of loving people, things and places-for I have no control in keeping them in my life. Resistance only hurts me. Resistance only makes me bitter and resentful. I let go so I can own my life and accept it for all it is offering me. This life to me is so precious and beautiful.
I work at an adolescent rehab center. I never thought I would like working with teenagers. I never thought I had the courage, the patience or understanding to be around them. They are raw, brutally honest, naive and completely oblivious to what life might have to offer them. They are filled with emotions that they don't understand. They are filled with hatred. They are filled with love. They are filled with thoughts that make no sense to them whatsoever. They are filled with so many dreams and believe that it is still possible to achieve them. They are filled with so much laughter and not a care in the world. They are filled with playing mindless games and enjoying every minute of it. And yet...they are mean and they don't mind hurting you. How could I not love working around this mix? Isn't all this describing me? Am I not going through the same things? Am I not a dreamer even after all that I have seen this world can offer? Aren't I still pursuing my dreams and never letting go, because I am a believer?
Yes- working at a rehab has been mirroring my own reflection. How can I not love it when it has shown me to myself? It is one of the most rewarding and challenging jobs I have ever had. I have cried hard and I have laughed hard. I have watched these kids go through some of the toughest situations that life has to offer. My heart breaks with them. My heart rejoices with them as well.
When I first started, I was tough. I was still shelled with my own pain. I liked some of the kids and some I got frustrated with. After being there for three and a half years, I have grown to even love the ones that are not so lovable. I have grown to give them each attention and to really hear them. I have grown to embrace them with this invisible hug that is filled with love. I have grown to see their anger and pain and give them as much love as I can. They give me so much in return. These kids are me in some way or another. They teach me patience, they teach me love, they teach me acceptance, they teach me how to let go. They are letting go of everything in order to rebuilt their lives all over again at such a young age. I admire them. I respect them. I am still tough, but I no longer have my shield up. I do not need to protect myself. Now I surround myself with compassion. That compassion fills me up everyday. I wake up having my heart be filled with so much love that I have to empty it out and what better place to do that than an adolescent rehab where the kids need love more than anything else so they can feel safe to be themselves.
I have wanted to quit so many times for so many different reasons. And yet...Something has kept me there. This is not just another job but part of my life journey. This is healing me more than I ever thought would be possible. This is giving me my own dreams back. I know I will let go of it when it is time to let go. I know I will leave it when I have learnt the lessons it has to offer me. I am not scared for I know that I will be beginning a new journey. I have loved so hard at that place. I have left my mark and the people have left their mark on me. This love I have for this rehab will stay with me for the rest of my existence and I only hope that my next journey is filled with so much joy and excitement.
