I have a love for bugs. My favorite is a praying mantis. Although, I have a few other ones that I love as much.
Oct 28,2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Road
Complete suspension. Where am I and what am I doing? Change is happening within me and around me and I feel like a bystander watching it. Then, I glance at my inner self and realize that I have a hand in it all. As a matter of fact, I am partially responsible for it.
August 11, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Love of Rehab
March 4/ 2010
Wednesday
It's not in my hands. I let go. I let go of the control that I have never had to begin with. I let go of loving people, things and places-for I have no control in keeping them in my life. Resistance only hurts me. Resistance only makes me bitter and resentful. I let go so I can own my life and accept it for all it is offering me. This life to me is so precious and beautiful.
I work at an adolescent rehab center. I never thought I would like working with teenagers. I never thought I had the courage, the patience or understanding to be around them. They are raw, brutally honest, naive and completely oblivious to what life might have to offer them. They are filled with emotions that they don't understand. They are filled with hatred. They are filled with love. They are filled with thoughts that make no sense to them whatsoever. They are filled with so many dreams and believe that it is still possible to achieve them. They are filled with so much laughter and not a care in the world. They are filled with playing mindless games and enjoying every minute of it. And yet...they are mean and they don't mind hurting you. How could I not love working around this mix? Isn't all this describing me? Am I not going through the same things? Am I not a dreamer even after all that I have seen this world can offer? Aren't I still pursuing my dreams and never letting go, because I am a believer?
Yes- working at a rehab has been mirroring my own reflection. How can I not love it when it has shown me to myself? It is one of the most rewarding and challenging jobs I have ever had. I have cried hard and I have laughed hard. I have watched these kids go through some of the toughest situations that life has to offer. My heart breaks with them. My heart rejoices with them as well.
When I first started, I was tough. I was still shelled with my own pain. I liked some of the kids and some I got frustrated with. After being there for three and a half years, I have grown to even love the ones that are not so lovable. I have grown to give them each attention and to really hear them. I have grown to embrace them with this invisible hug that is filled with love. I have grown to see their anger and pain and give them as much love as I can. They give me so much in return. These kids are me in some way or another. They teach me patience, they teach me love, they teach me acceptance, they teach me how to let go. They are letting go of everything in order to rebuilt their lives all over again at such a young age. I admire them. I respect them. I am still tough, but I no longer have my shield up. I do not need to protect myself. Now I surround myself with compassion. That compassion fills me up everyday. I wake up having my heart be filled with so much love that I have to empty it out and what better place to do that than an adolescent rehab where the kids need love more than anything else so they can feel safe to be themselves.
I have wanted to quit so many times for so many different reasons. And yet...Something has kept me there. This is not just another job but part of my life journey. This is healing me more than I ever thought would be possible. This is giving me my own dreams back. I know I will let go of it when it is time to let go. I know I will leave it when I have learnt the lessons it has to offer me. I am not scared for I know that I will be beginning a new journey. I have loved so hard at that place. I have left my mark and the people have left their mark on me. This love I have for this rehab will stay with me for the rest of my existence and I only hope that my next journey is filled with so much joy and excitement.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Blind Faith
February 15, 2010
Blind faith. Something I have always wanted to have and yet never truly committed myself to. I have been an optimist my whole life, or it seems like that to me at least. I have always seen the beauty in every situation even when I had to confront death of loved ones. I guess in some ways I have always believed in a universe that everything happens for a reason and I personally just don't know the reason for it. Not always. Sometimes I do. But blind faith is different. Blind faith is truly letting go of control. It's about letting go of hesitations, fear, hurt, history, caution and anything that makes you doubt the moment. I am simply tired of doubting the moment. I want to live in the moment. I want to breathe it, feel it, love it or hate it- but either way, I want to be in it. Blind faith scares the fuck out of me for I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to start over again, I don't want to hear others tell me I told you so, and yet...the beauty and freedom of blind faith opens my heart. I am completely vulnerable and exposed. The two things that I find very easy for people to judge you by and yet somehow, I have nothing to hide. I trust that somehow I am taken care of. I feel happy, relaxed, creative, free, motivated, determined and I know that I have nothing to worry about. Isn't that what we are all looking for? I believe that things change. It is the one thing in life that is constant and yet....my optimistic self can't help but to believe that I am only beginning my journey towards a healthier relationship with myself. I am trusting me in my actions and that is the best gift I can ever give myself.
Friday, February 5, 2010
New Beginning
There is a new excitement that has taken place in my life. I can't help but to dedicate it to the upheaval and turmoil that took place in Iran during the June election. It's as if my eyes opened all over again. I began to believe. I began to trust. I began to see possibilities manifesting themselves in opportunities that had been within my reach the whole time. I woke up from dreaming about what I love to do to believing that I can do them.
Yes, it's a new beginning. No safety nets. No going back. No regrets. No second guessing and holding back. I am all in. Whatever it takes. I have worked so hard to find my voice. What am I so scared of? what am I hiding from? So what if I fail. So what if I have to start all over again? One life, one chance, one true dream. I am going for it. All of it. My heart is open and I am risking it all. Isn't that what my people are doing in Iran? They are risking their life for their voice. For their freedom. What am I risking my life for? I am scared shitless. I am nervous. I can't breathe at times from the fear of failing and not reaching my dreams, and yet there is no going back. How can I? Are the people in Iran slowing down? They are all in. They are all in till victory. They inspire me. Truly inspire me. I am in constant awe of their courage. They are my heroes and they are the ones i look up to when I need to check myself and give myself self-assurance. I thank them everyday for showing me and reminding me the gift of courage. The gift of pursuing my dreams. The gift of being in the moment and setting roots for the better future.
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